You were the victim of assault and it was wrong. You were sinned against
This post is the continuation of a series of posts following on from a paragraph that I read in 'Rid of my Disgrace' by Justin and Lindsey Holcomb. The opening paragraph of the first chapter was so helpful to me that I decided to break it down, sentence by sentence, and devote a post to each part.
The previous posts in this series can be found here, here, here, here, here, here and here.
This penultimate post in the series concludes where all the other statements lead. Here is the helpful paragraph that opens the first chapter in 'Rid of my Disgrace' with my edits...
Finally, the conclusion: You were the victim of assault and it was wrong. You were sinned against.
Accepting that I was a victim of assault has been a massive mind shift for me, but it does flow from the other statements. It made sense when I realised that I was not to blame. That what happened was not due to my behaviour or who I was, but was due to someone else's SIN. I had to begin to walk away from the weight of guilt and many lies that were trapping me in a cycle of shame and blame to begin to see that I was the victim of assault.
Why does this matter?
For a while I wondered if sweeping all this under the carpet was okay. Why not just forget it happened? Why work hard to understand that I was a victim of a crime? Well, a few reasons:
Realising that I was a victim of assault helped me to understand my life. It helped me to understand why I'd been feeling the way I had and ultimately helped me to begin talking about it and healing.
When I was in the midst of the lies, I was lost. I couldn't see what had happened and so my only explanation was that I was to blame. This led to more and more lies: I was worthless, dirty, unclean, not loveable. I felt as though I was living a lie. I had a secret that was taking over my thoughts and defined by very being and I felt trapped. I couldn't say anything because I was ashamed. I felt guilty. My only way of coping with life was to project a 'perfect' persona so that people would like me. I felt that if they knew what was really going on, they'd disown me and treat me horribly. I couldn't risk that and so silence was my best friend.
But realising that I was a victim of assault helped me to break the silence. It helped me to see things correctly, to put the blame where it was meant to be and begin rebuilding my life on truth rather than on lies.
This gave me confidence to share my life with others, to open up about who I really was and what had really happened to me. This began a process of having genuine friendships where I felt that people knew me and I could know them. Before this, I was too scared to open up at all. The silence due to the abuse affected everything. I didn't want to share anything as I was too scared that people would get close. Vulnerability was my biggest fear.
Beginning to open up and see that people still care for me has been amazing. I've been able to know people and let them in. Let people know the real me. This hasn't been without difficulties: telling people about the abuse is always horrible. I hate waiting to see how people will respond. Often people say odd things. They are not sure what to say. But, despite this, it's been wonderful to share my life. It's been so refreshing to know that people know what happened and still love me. I've been able to start letting my guard down and be honest in other areas of life because I've been open in this one. I can now experience true friendships. I can open up because I have accepted that I was a victim of an assault and was sinned against.
Realising that I was a victim of sexual assault has paved the way for healing - more of this in the next post. But, it's given me the courage to battle the lies as I know that I wasn't to blame. It's helped me to apply the truth to my life rather than living in a cloud of lies. It's also let me give other people permission to help me. Others can now encourage me when it's all too much. Others can give me words of truth when I only believe lies. This has really helped me to begin to heal. To genuinely move through the pain and torment that was defining me. And it started with the realisation that I was a victim of assault.
Before I began this process of healing, I was consumed by what had happened to me. I as stuck in my lies with nowhere to go or nowhere to turn. I felt that I was abused and there was nothing more about me. But, realising that I was a victim of sexual assault, putting the blame where it really belongs, has helped me to realise that this doesn't define me. It doesn't mean that I'll forget it. I won't and I haven't. The wounds are there every day. It's affected me in so many ways and haunts me in so many forms. But, it isn't ME. I am a Christian, a wife, a mother, a daughter, a friend. I am more than this. I am valued. I deserve dignity and respect. I am God's child. I am more than the assault. My life is bigger than this.
Finally, realising that I am a victim of sexual assault helps me to help others. I've had to cut down many weeds in my heart, many lies that I've believed for a long time. Having gone through this process helps me to help others. Yes, it helps me to help other assault survivors, but also many others. We all suffer in this world and believe lies about ourselves. Having to go through this process helps me to encourage others. It helps me to see the truth in the face of lies and weep with those who weep as I've known the depth of other's sin against me.
So, realising that I was a victim of assault wasn't easy. I don't want to be! I don't want to have to think about these things, to deal with the pain that flows from the hurt. I don't want to struggle to trust, to fear the betrayal of trust again and remember the heartbreak of those years. I don't want to accept that my boyfriend hurt me. I don't want to think that after I trusted him and felt safe with him, that he responded with a cruel act of violation. I want to pretend. I want to put my head in the sand...
But, I know that when I believe the truth, when I realise that I was not to blame, that this is not my burden to carry, that I was sinned against and a victim of a sexual assault... When I realise this, I can begin to breathe. I can begin to live and be myself. I don't have to hide. I don't have to hold onto silence as my closest friend. I can heal. There is hope. There is a future beyond my assault and there is for you too.
Until next time,
Julia x
The previous posts in this series can be found here, here, here, here, here, here and here.
This penultimate post in the series concludes where all the other statements lead. Here is the helpful paragraph that opens the first chapter in 'Rid of my Disgrace' with my edits...
When you understand that what happened to you was not your fault you are able to come to the realisation that you are not to blame. You could not have deserved it or asked for it. As a result, you should not be silenced. You are not worthless. You do not have to pretend like nothing happened. Nobody had the right to violate you and so you can not be responsible for what happened to you. You, therefore, are not damaged goods. Instead, you were supposed to be treated with dignity and respect.
Finally, the conclusion: You were the victim of assault and it was wrong. You were sinned against.
Accepting that I was a victim of assault has been a massive mind shift for me, but it does flow from the other statements. It made sense when I realised that I was not to blame. That what happened was not due to my behaviour or who I was, but was due to someone else's SIN. I had to begin to walk away from the weight of guilt and many lies that were trapping me in a cycle of shame and blame to begin to see that I was the victim of assault.
Why does this matter?
For a while I wondered if sweeping all this under the carpet was okay. Why not just forget it happened? Why work hard to understand that I was a victim of a crime? Well, a few reasons:
1. It helped me to break the silence
Realising that I was a victim of assault helped me to understand my life. It helped me to understand why I'd been feeling the way I had and ultimately helped me to begin talking about it and healing.
When I was in the midst of the lies, I was lost. I couldn't see what had happened and so my only explanation was that I was to blame. This led to more and more lies: I was worthless, dirty, unclean, not loveable. I felt as though I was living a lie. I had a secret that was taking over my thoughts and defined by very being and I felt trapped. I couldn't say anything because I was ashamed. I felt guilty. My only way of coping with life was to project a 'perfect' persona so that people would like me. I felt that if they knew what was really going on, they'd disown me and treat me horribly. I couldn't risk that and so silence was my best friend.
But realising that I was a victim of assault helped me to break the silence. It helped me to see things correctly, to put the blame where it was meant to be and begin rebuilding my life on truth rather than on lies.
2. It helped me to begin to open up
This gave me confidence to share my life with others, to open up about who I really was and what had really happened to me. This began a process of having genuine friendships where I felt that people knew me and I could know them. Before this, I was too scared to open up at all. The silence due to the abuse affected everything. I didn't want to share anything as I was too scared that people would get close. Vulnerability was my biggest fear.
Beginning to open up and see that people still care for me has been amazing. I've been able to know people and let them in. Let people know the real me. This hasn't been without difficulties: telling people about the abuse is always horrible. I hate waiting to see how people will respond. Often people say odd things. They are not sure what to say. But, despite this, it's been wonderful to share my life. It's been so refreshing to know that people know what happened and still love me. I've been able to start letting my guard down and be honest in other areas of life because I've been open in this one. I can now experience true friendships. I can open up because I have accepted that I was a victim of an assault and was sinned against.
3. It's helped me to heal
Realising that I was a victim of sexual assault has paved the way for healing - more of this in the next post. But, it's given me the courage to battle the lies as I know that I wasn't to blame. It's helped me to apply the truth to my life rather than living in a cloud of lies. It's also let me give other people permission to help me. Others can now encourage me when it's all too much. Others can give me words of truth when I only believe lies. This has really helped me to begin to heal. To genuinely move through the pain and torment that was defining me. And it started with the realisation that I was a victim of assault.
4. It helped me to realise that life is more than my assault
Before I began this process of healing, I was consumed by what had happened to me. I as stuck in my lies with nowhere to go or nowhere to turn. I felt that I was abused and there was nothing more about me. But, realising that I was a victim of sexual assault, putting the blame where it really belongs, has helped me to realise that this doesn't define me. It doesn't mean that I'll forget it. I won't and I haven't. The wounds are there every day. It's affected me in so many ways and haunts me in so many forms. But, it isn't ME. I am a Christian, a wife, a mother, a daughter, a friend. I am more than this. I am valued. I deserve dignity and respect. I am God's child. I am more than the assault. My life is bigger than this.
5. It helps me to help others
Finally, realising that I am a victim of sexual assault helps me to help others. I've had to cut down many weeds in my heart, many lies that I've believed for a long time. Having gone through this process helps me to help others. Yes, it helps me to help other assault survivors, but also many others. We all suffer in this world and believe lies about ourselves. Having to go through this process helps me to encourage others. It helps me to see the truth in the face of lies and weep with those who weep as I've known the depth of other's sin against me.
So, realising that I was a victim of assault wasn't easy. I don't want to be! I don't want to have to think about these things, to deal with the pain that flows from the hurt. I don't want to struggle to trust, to fear the betrayal of trust again and remember the heartbreak of those years. I don't want to accept that my boyfriend hurt me. I don't want to think that after I trusted him and felt safe with him, that he responded with a cruel act of violation. I want to pretend. I want to put my head in the sand...
But, I know that when I believe the truth, when I realise that I was not to blame, that this is not my burden to carry, that I was sinned against and a victim of a sexual assault... When I realise this, I can begin to breathe. I can begin to live and be myself. I don't have to hide. I don't have to hold onto silence as my closest friend. I can heal. There is hope. There is a future beyond my assault and there is for you too.
Until next time,
Julia x
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