Beyond sexual assault

Something I've come to realise about myself as a survivor of sexual assault is that I give up easily. I didn't realise that this was a result of my assault, a response to feeling worthless and unworthy. For many years I thought I was being logical. I thought I was rightly responding to situations, so I kept going in the same vain. I have continued to look at my circumstances and, if they are negative, read them as personal judgements on my character and then.. give up. Let me share an example... writing this blog! I started this blog as a way to chart my healing journey, but I also thought that I'd love to help others if I could. I had a passion to encourage other sexual assault survivors and help them to see how brave, strong and valuable they were. But, I thought, no-one will ever read it! Surely no-one would ever want to read anything I wrote! And then if I didn't see anyone reading it, I'd conclude: I'm rubbish. I should give up. I have nothing to contr

As a sexual assault survivor, there have been responses that have helped me so much and others that have hindered me in my healing journey. Kindness has been one of the former. It has helped me to heal. It has helped me to thrive. Here’s why in two very simple points: silence damages, but kindness heals. 1. Silence damages Sometimes people assume that people know what they think of them. They don’t feel that they need to spell it out. They don't feel that they need to speak out. “She/he knows that I love her,” they may say. But, those unspoken words are often filled in by those hearing them as, “you don’t care.” Unspoken words are never silent. They speak volumes.  So, please say those words. Speak those kind sentiments. Help someone to heal. Give them courage to keep going. Help build them up when so many pull them down. It will have such a positive effect. It has for me.   I've often been surprised when people have spoken their mind. What I feared that th

Often I wonder, 'Am I doing okay?' Not just okay in life, but okay in my healing journey. I wonder if I am doing it 'right,' if I am moving forwards and not backwards. If I'm overcoming the hurdles rather than being crushed and overcome by them. Am I doing okay? Well, as I continue on this journey I've realised some important things that have helped me immensely: 1. You are unique It has struck me that as much as each person is a unique, valued human being, our journeys are also unique. There is no right or wrong in how we do it. A lot has been said about the healing journey and there are countless books that talk about the steps to take. These may be helpful, but only as a guide, as we are all different. We are not robots. We are all unique. This has really helped me stop questioning myself. It has helped me to stop worrying that I'm not doing okay. This has been really important as it's given me the ability to concentrate on my healing. Conce

As lockdown has continued, I have been surprised at how it has affected me. This has meant that I've needed to practice self care more than ever, (see past blog posts on self care here and here ). As time is passing, I've spent time thinking about what is really bothering me about the lockdown and why I'm struggling.  This has helped me to consider how I can best practice self care and consider the best coping mechanisms at this time. I hope that these thoughts may help others and some of the suggestions may help start a conversation about how we can all be caring for ourselves and one another in this strange time. Feeling out of control I am someone who is used to being indoors. I've studied a lot and my work has been based at home for most of my career. Now I have a little girl, I'm at home with her. So when lockdown was announced, I didn't think that it would affect me too much. I was surprised that one of the first things that hit me was that I felt

For years, I struggled to accept that I was a victim of child sexual abuse and assault. I couldn’t bear to think the words, never mind say them. I remember trying to read various books and I’d block them out. I couldn’t bring myself to take that step. Even now, I struggle to accept, not what happened as much, but the pain and hurt that goes with it. The pain is immense at times. It takes over my whole being. My body cries out in pain for the betrayal and hurt I suffered. I carry it with me in every fibre of my being. It's more than memories. It's more than remembering an event.  The turning point was reading (or tried to read) Holcomb’s book ‘Rid of my Disgrace’ and a key element that they propose in the journey towards healing and recovery is defining and naming your assault. I didn’t understand why at first. I didn't want to define it. I didn't want to name it. I didn't want to accept it.  But now I get why it's so crucial: understanding what happe

This is a subject that's very close to my heart: how to helpfully respond to a survivor of sexual assault. RAINN currently have a great acronym to help support survivors - TALK . I wanted to add my own thoughts to this and share my experience in telling others... This may be a post that you could share with friends or those in your church. It's something you may want to add your own thoughts to... I'd love to hear what you think. My experience of telling people has been hard. After I was abused as a child, I made a promise with myself that I would never tell anyone about the abuse. I kept that promise for over 10 years and in that time I was still being abused regularly. As an adult, I began to realise that what had happened to me was wrong and so I wanted to tell people. I didn't want to carry the pain alone. I hated the feeling that I had a dark cloud hanging over me with no relief. I believed that telling people would help. But I was also petrified. I was a

Was it worth speaking out? Is it worth speaking out? I ask myself this often. I have broken the silence. Sometimes I'm glad. At other times I wish that I could turn back time and erase the day I did it as it is sometimes hard. People don't respond well. They don't respond as you expect and it's painful. But, they are my darker moments. And, I know that it was a good thing to speak out. I would do it again. That isn't because it's easy. It isn't because it's magically made everything better. Far from it. Breaking the silence, in some ways, has made things harder. It has caused me to think about things I didn't want to deal with. It's caused me to accept some difficult things. It has also produced some really unexpected fruit - helping others and being part of a community of survivors. They give me such strength and love. So, these are the reasons that I'm so glad that I broke the silence and spoke out about my abuse and assault: It&#

I've recently written a lot about my journey towards healing. I've been massively helped by Justin and Lindsay Holcomb's book, 'Rid of my Disgrace' in this. Realising and accepting what had happened to me was a huge step forward. Understanding why it was wrong and the subject of consent was so crucial - thank you RAINN for this! And, flowing from these things, believing that I am not to blame and am valuable have been so crucial for me in my recovery. I can confidently say that I am in a very different place to where I was: I do believe that I am valuable, that I was wronged, that sin was committed against me and that I wasn't to blame for the abuse and assault I suffered. But, there are times when I struggle to fully hold onto these truths and part of the reason why is this: the mixed emotions I feel towards my perpetrator(s) make it difficult. Acknowledging this has been helpful because it helps be to avoid a cycle of lies that propels me back into a da

Here's another self care post for the weekend. The first one is here . Stay safe everyone. Look after yourself! Self care has become an important topic for me in the midst of COVID-19 isolation. The lockdown has caused me to struggle in ways I didn't anticipate. I've been feeling trapped and this has triggered memories of the past. It's particularly triggered memories of feeling helpless when being forced down. Feeling out of control when my perpetrators assaulted and abused me. I've been remembering those feelings and it's been horrible. I've been waking up feeling those feelings that I felt when I was assaulted at aged 20. The horror. The shock. The hopelessness. The betrayal. This has made self care all the more important. I've had to recognise that this period of isolation is going to cause these feelings and so consider how I can best survive through them. Here are my tips: 1. Remember the truth Remembering the truth that I'm valuable

I've been surprised at how the Coronavirus lockdown has affected me as a sexual assault survivor. I'm used to spending time on my own. I actually quite like it. I'm an introvert who loves studying and spending time devouring books. Surely the lockdown wouldn't be such a change then, would it? But, in reality, I've found it hard. I've come to realise that the feeling of being trapped and alone reminds me of the assaults that I suffered. Feeling out of control and forced to do something against my will has brought back all sorts of memories that have haunted me for years. So, in the midst of all this, self care has been huge. These are the things that have helped me so far: 1. Routine As my normal routines have disappeared, I have found the setting up of new routines to be essential for my well being at this time of social isolation. I have set up regular 'school time' with my daughter that starts between 9am and 10am each day. We follow a regular

I have found telling people about my abuse one of the hardest things in life. Every time I decide to tell someone I feel scared of how they will treat me. If I email them, the waiting for a response is torture. If I tell them in person, waiting for the time to talk is awful. Just getting the words out has been so hard, I can't even tell you in words. However, I have managed to tell several people, and for this I'm thankful. Just a caveat here: if you are not in a place to tell anyone about your abuse, that is okay. You are in control. What I say from here is my experience in telling people. These are my reasons why I think it's worth it. But I completely respect anyone who is not in a place to do that and may never be. You are loved and valued. That is your choice. You are in control.  The first thing to say on this topic is, even though it is really hard to tell people, I believe wholeheartedly that it is worth it. It is SO worth it. Telling others has helped m

This post is the continuation of a series of posts following on from a paragraph that I read in  'Rid of my Disgrace'   by Justin and Lindsey Holcomb.  The opening paragraph of the first chapter was so helpful to me that I decided to break it down, sentence by sentence, and devote a post to each part. The previous posts in this series can be found  here ,  here ,  here ,  here ,  here ,  here  and here . This penultimate post in the series concludes where all the other statements lead. Here is the helpful paragraph that opens the first chapter in 'Rid of my Disgrace' with my edits ... When you understand that what happened to you was  not your fault you are able to come to the realisation that you are not to blame. You could not have deserved it or asked for it. As a result, you should not be silenced. You are not worthless. You do not have to pretend like nothing happened. Nobody had the right to violate you and so you can not be responsible for what happened to

This post is the continuation of a series of posts following on from a paragraph that I read in  'Rid of my Disgrace'   by Justin and Lindsey Holcomb.  The opening paragraph of the first chapter was so helpful to me that I decided to break it down, sentence by sentence, and devote a post to each part. The previous posts in this series can be found  here ,  here ,  here ,  here ,  here  and here . The next part in the paragraph:  You are not damaged goods. You were supposed to be treated with dignity and respect. I'm so grateful to the Holcomb's as they so helpfully get to the heart of the lies that sexual assault survivors believe and speak the truth into these lies. These two sentences in their opening paragraph in 'Rid of my Disgrace' illustrate common lies and those that I believed for a long time. But, they also combat the lies with key truths that marked the beginning of the process of healing for me: it started when I began to realise that I'd bee

This post is the continuation of a series of posts following on from a paragraph that I read in  'Rid of my Disgrace'   by Justin and Lindsey Holcomb.  The opening paragraph of the first chapter was so helpful to me that I decided to break it down, sentence by sentence, and devote a post to each part. The previous posts in this series can be found  here ,  here ,  here ,  here  and  here . The next sentence in the paragraph: You are not responsible for what happened to you. This was such an important concept for me to understand. And, looking back, I am beginning to realise that not understanding that I was not responsible led to me fearing telling anyone what had happened and also left me taking the blame and feeling guilt and shame. Let me explain... When I was first abused, I was in shock. I couldn't understand what had happened. It actually took me years to understand what had actually happened. I was 8 years old when I was first abused by a family member a

This post is the continuation of a series of posts following on from a paragraph that I read in  'Rid of my Disgrace'   by Justin and Lindsey Holcomb.  The opening paragraph of the first chapter was so helpful to me that I decided to break it down, sentence by sentence, and devote a post to each part. The previous posts in this series can be found  here ,  here ,  here ,  here  and here . Nobody had the right to violate you.  You are a valuable person made in the image of God. You have dignity and you matter. What happened to you was a violation because the act done against you was against the very core of who you are: someone who has the right to be treated with respect and love because you were made with value and dignity. What happened to you was broke these rights and also broke the law. This was wrong. And NOBODY had the RIGHT to do this to you. This is an important message that I need to hear so often. In my confusion over what happened to me, I focused on wron