You are not damaged goods. You were supposed to be treated with dignity and respect.

This post is the continuation of a series of posts following on from a paragraph that I read in 'Rid of my Disgrace' by Justin and Lindsey Holcomb.  The opening paragraph of the first chapter was so helpful to me that I decided to break it down, sentence by sentence, and devote a post to each part.

The previous posts in this series can be found here, here, here, here, here and here.

The next part in the paragraph: You are not damaged goods. You were supposed to be treated with dignity and respect.

I'm so grateful to the Holcomb's as they so helpfully get to the heart of the lies that sexual assault survivors believe and speak the truth into these lies. These two sentences in their opening paragraph in 'Rid of my Disgrace' illustrate common lies and those that I believed for a long time. But, they also combat the lies with key truths that marked the beginning of the process of healing for me: it started when I began to realise that I'd been believing that I was damaged goods and this wasn't true. There was something else I needed to believe...

From the very start of my abuse, I'd been believing that it defined me and not only that, shaped and identified me. I felt dirty, ashamed, that I was to blame, was guilty and worthless. This led to me thinking that I was damaged goods. I concluded that what had happened to me defined me as a worthless, broken person beyond help and love. I was lost in a cycle of silence that was unbreakable because of these lies.

But, as I came to read the opening verses of the bible, I realised that this was not true. God made me in his image. Therefore this gives me my objective worth and identity: someone made in the image of God who deserves to be treated with dignity and respect.

This means that every human being is valuable. Every human being deserves to be treated with dignity and respect because every human being is made in the image of God. There is no reason that anyone deserves sexual abuse. There is no behaviour that causes it. There is no character trait or flaw that asks for it. There are no words or actions that can earn such treatment. No, in God's world, every human being is made with value and dignity and so every human being should be treated as such.

I need to tell myself this regularly...

As a child, the 'game' that was played was wrong. He should never have asked me to lie on the bed and put a pillow over my face so that I couldn't see where he was touching me. That was wrong. He should have treated me with dignity and respect. He should have played ball or monopoly with me, not hurt me in ways that I can barely express. He should have loved me and treated me as I deserved as someone with value, deserving dignity and respect.

As a 20-year old, he should never have kissed me. He should never have pushed me down. He should not have climbed on top of me. He should not have hurt me. I am made with value and dignity and you are too. This was wrong. He treated me badly. I am not damaged goods because I am valuable. This can't be taken away by what has happened to me. I was hurt. I was assaulted. I was the victim of a crime, but I am not damaged goods.

So, if you have been assaulted, you, too, are not damaged goods. You are someone who has been the victim of a crime. You were treated horribly and this needs to be called out for what it is. You should have been loved because you have value. You have value at the very core of who you are and so deserve to be treated with dignity and respect.

I pray you'll see this. I pray I'll see this and keep calling out what happened as a crime. I pray we'll remember that we are not damaged goods. We were supposed to be treated with dignity and respect. 

You matter. You are valuable. 

Julia x