The jigsaw of mixed emotions after sexual violence
I've recently written a lot about my journey towards healing. I've been massively helped by Justin and Lindsay Holcomb's book, 'Rid of my Disgrace' in this. Realising and accepting what had happened to me was a huge step forward. Understanding why it was wrong and the subject of consent was so crucial - thank you RAINN for this! And, flowing from these things, believing that I am not to blame and am valuable have been so crucial for me in my recovery.
I can confidently say that I am in a very different place to where I was: I do believe that I am valuable, that I was wronged, that sin was committed against me and that I wasn't to blame for the abuse and assault I suffered.
But, there are times when I struggle to fully hold onto these truths and part of the reason why is this: the mixed emotions I feel towards my perpetrator(s) make it difficult. Acknowledging this has been helpful because it helps be to avoid a cycle of lies that propels me back into a dark place. It helps me to keep going forwards and healing.
I find it hard to separate my affection for the people that hurt me with the understanding that they committed a crime against me. I learned that my emotions change from one extreme to the other: I did (and do?) love/care for them (somehow), but they hurt me in such a deep way, I feel sick when I think of them.
Therefore, this sometimes leads me, when thinking about what they did, to feel bad for THEM. In the case of my ex-boyfriend who assaulted me, this is particularly hard. I had a strong friendship with him. I trusted him and felt safe for a long time before he assaulted me. Now, my emotions are mixed as I try to come to terms with the fact that I cared about him a lot and he hurt me so deeply.
As a struggle with this, I imagine I am not alone. I imagine that many people feel so many mixed emotions and struggle with blame and guilt. People struggle whether to report the crimes or not because feelings and emotions are regularly shifting. So I've come to accept that:
It is normal to have mixed feelings. It is normal to feel deep betrayal and broken trust while still caring for someone. That is normal. It is normal to feel deeply betrayed and broken when family or others who we trust hurt us. It's more than normal, it's expected and right. Of course, we should feel a deep sense of wrong when we are not treated with the value and dignity that we deserve and are hurt in this way. And, to still care about the Father, Uncle, Grandfather, Brother, Boyfriend, Mother, Sister... is expected too... whatever that now means. It's not easy. It's not clear cut. It often doesn't make sense in our mind. These two polar opposite realities clash and cause discomfort. But, as our complex feelings come to the fore, we will feel these things and it's okay.
I have had to let these things sit and let my emotions evolve in a day to day or moment to moment basis. In the midst of this, my anchor has been:
In my changing feelings and moments, there are objective truths that don't change. Let me explain... So, I've come to understand that my changing, complex feelings don't change the reality that what happened to me was a crime. They don't change the fact that I did care greatly about my abusers and, in the case of my ex-boyfriend, we had some wonderful times together. But, he still sinned against me and it was wrong. My mixed and changing feelings don't change these objective truths. I have to hold onto these things when I feel guilty for considering reporting him for assaulting me. When I think that 'it wasn't that bad...' I have to remember: this was a crime. Nothing can change that. Nothing. I AM a valuable human being made in the image of God and deserve to be treated with dignity and respect. Sexual assault is a gross betrayal. It's a heinous crime. Whatever I feel. Whatever my emotions say to me, the abuse and assault was wrong. I matter and I'm valuable. I am not to blame. He was. He committed a crime against me.
I'm not proposing any easy answers, just that these mixed feelings exist, and are normal, but in the midst of this there are truths that we need to anchor ourselves in our recovery. Truths that help us to remember the reality that we are important. We matter. We are valuable. We deserve to be treated well. Any sexual violence is always wrong. However we feel. Whatever our emotions tell us, these truths don't change the fundamental realities. Let's stand on the truth against sexual violence everywhere, in whatever form. By whomever.
Let's stand together and heal.
Until next time,
Julia xx
I can confidently say that I am in a very different place to where I was: I do believe that I am valuable, that I was wronged, that sin was committed against me and that I wasn't to blame for the abuse and assault I suffered.
But, there are times when I struggle to fully hold onto these truths and part of the reason why is this: the mixed emotions I feel towards my perpetrator(s) make it difficult. Acknowledging this has been helpful because it helps be to avoid a cycle of lies that propels me back into a dark place. It helps me to keep going forwards and healing.
I find it hard to separate my affection for the people that hurt me with the understanding that they committed a crime against me. I learned that my emotions change from one extreme to the other: I did (and do?) love/care for them (somehow), but they hurt me in such a deep way, I feel sick when I think of them.
Therefore, this sometimes leads me, when thinking about what they did, to feel bad for THEM. In the case of my ex-boyfriend who assaulted me, this is particularly hard. I had a strong friendship with him. I trusted him and felt safe for a long time before he assaulted me. Now, my emotions are mixed as I try to come to terms with the fact that I cared about him a lot and he hurt me so deeply.
As a struggle with this, I imagine I am not alone. I imagine that many people feel so many mixed emotions and struggle with blame and guilt. People struggle whether to report the crimes or not because feelings and emotions are regularly shifting. So I've come to accept that:
Feelings are complex
It is normal to have mixed feelings. It is normal to feel deep betrayal and broken trust while still caring for someone. That is normal. It is normal to feel deeply betrayed and broken when family or others who we trust hurt us. It's more than normal, it's expected and right. Of course, we should feel a deep sense of wrong when we are not treated with the value and dignity that we deserve and are hurt in this way. And, to still care about the Father, Uncle, Grandfather, Brother, Boyfriend, Mother, Sister... is expected too... whatever that now means. It's not easy. It's not clear cut. It often doesn't make sense in our mind. These two polar opposite realities clash and cause discomfort. But, as our complex feelings come to the fore, we will feel these things and it's okay.
I have had to let these things sit and let my emotions evolve in a day to day or moment to moment basis. In the midst of this, my anchor has been:
The truth doesn't change truth
In my changing feelings and moments, there are objective truths that don't change. Let me explain... So, I've come to understand that my changing, complex feelings don't change the reality that what happened to me was a crime. They don't change the fact that I did care greatly about my abusers and, in the case of my ex-boyfriend, we had some wonderful times together. But, he still sinned against me and it was wrong. My mixed and changing feelings don't change these objective truths. I have to hold onto these things when I feel guilty for considering reporting him for assaulting me. When I think that 'it wasn't that bad...' I have to remember: this was a crime. Nothing can change that. Nothing. I AM a valuable human being made in the image of God and deserve to be treated with dignity and respect. Sexual assault is a gross betrayal. It's a heinous crime. Whatever I feel. Whatever my emotions say to me, the abuse and assault was wrong. I matter and I'm valuable. I am not to blame. He was. He committed a crime against me.
I'm not proposing any easy answers, just that these mixed feelings exist, and are normal, but in the midst of this there are truths that we need to anchor ourselves in our recovery. Truths that help us to remember the reality that we are important. We matter. We are valuable. We deserve to be treated well. Any sexual violence is always wrong. However we feel. Whatever our emotions tell us, these truths don't change the fundamental realities. Let's stand on the truth against sexual violence everywhere, in whatever form. By whomever.
Let's stand together and heal.
Until next time,
Julia xx
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