Breaking the silence

I have found telling people about my abuse one of the hardest things in life. Every time I decide to tell someone I feel scared of how they will treat me. If I email them, the waiting for a response is torture. If I tell them in person, waiting for the time to talk is awful. Just getting the words out has been so hard, I can't even tell you in words.

However, I have managed to tell several people, and for this I'm thankful.

Just a caveat here: if you are not in a place to tell anyone about your abuse, that is okay. You are in control. What I say from here is my experience in telling people. These are my reasons why I think it's worth it. But I completely respect anyone who is not in a place to do that and may never be. You are loved and valued. That is your choice. You are in control. 

The first thing to say on this topic is, even though it is really hard to tell people, I believe wholeheartedly that it is worth it. It is SO worth it. Telling others has helped me to move forward and accept what happened to me. Articulating the childhood abuse and assault for what it was has been a great help in me healing. I've had to begin to deal with lies that I was believing as I've spoken things that I'd never articulated out loud before. I was given permission to disclose my feelings and thoughts in a way that I couldn't when it was all inside. So, the reason I'm writing this post is because I think it's worth telling others. 

And this is how I'm learning to deal with telling people and to cope with their reactions, whether good or bad:

1. Don't place too high an expectation on the exact words that people use

I have had many different reactions to my abuse. Some have been sympathetic and others have been hurtful. But, one thing that I've learned is that it doesn't help me to place too high an expectation on the exact words people use.

In the past, I put a lot of focus on exactly how people would react in my mind as a barometer of how supportive they were. So if someone responded in a way that I didn't expect, my mind would jump to all sorts of conclusions, mainly based on theories that they didn't care and don't love me. 

But, what I've realised is this: people struggle to know what to say. Often (not always), they are doing their best to support and love their friend and haven't thought about the best things to say in these circumstances. For example, I shared with someone that I'd been assaulted by someone she knew. I trusted her and expected a lot from her response. I placed

2.  Expect that there will be a mixture of reactions

This is a hard thing for me, but an important one as it's helped me to keep talking. Setting my expectations has been a key principle in helping me to deal with varied reactions. If I focus on a good reaction meaning that I was right in sharing and a bad reaction equals I'm in the wrong, I just stop sharing. I stop communicating and healing. But, when I realise that there will be a mixture of reactions and that is okay, it helps me to keep going. It doesn't mean it won't hurt. It does. But it means that I have truth that transcends people's specific reactions: I believe that my story is worth telling and I matter despite how people treat me.

Now, I do hope that people treat my story well and this is what I educate people for, but it is worth expecting mixed reactions. In my experience, there are good ones. There are people who understand. There are people who are worth telling. They will stand with you. They will help.

3. Remember that people's reactions don't change the truth

When I've had bad reactions in the past, it's broken me. I've questioned whether it was worth sharing my story and I've doubted the worth in speaking out at all. The feeling of hurt when people don't understand has been crushing.

But, I've come to hold onto the truth that speaking out is worth it. Breaking the silence is really important. It means that as survivors we are standing up against these horrible wrongs. I'm standing up against my family who abused me saying "it's not okay to violate a child." And against my first boyfriend who assaulted me, saying "you should never have done that. You can't hurt someone in this way and expect it not to have consequences." I know that we don't always get justice on this earth and sometimes it isn't possible for our abusers to gain justice here as they may have died. But, I believe that it's still important to stand against these horrible crimes, speak out and together, challenge the culture, challenge our families on this in the hope of protecting others.

It's hard to hear negative reactions. It hurts. But it doesn't change the truth. You are valuable and deserve respect and dignity. This is true whatever people say or do. However, people treat you and your past. You DESERVE to be treated with value and dignity because this is who you are. People's reactions can't change this. It is worth speaking out. No one can change this.

4. Use discernment in telling others

Finally, I've come to realise that some people just aren't the wisest people to tell. When deciding to tell someone, I found these questions helpful:

a) How have they responded with other sufferings in their lives and the lives of others?
b) Do they have a reputation of being sensitive and kind with others (and with other things you've told them)?
c) Are they trustworthy?
d) Are they mature?

It is sometimes impossible to restrict who hears about our stories, as we may be in the midst of a public trial or a more public disclosure. But, if you are at the beginning of the disclosing process and are looking for a sensitive response, it may be worth considering who in your life has a reputation of sensitivity, maturity and kindness..

I believe you and believe your story. If you want to tell it, I stand with you. You are valuable. You matter.

Julia x