You did not ask for this
This post is the continuation of a series of posts following on from a paragraph that I read in 'Rid of my Disgrace' by Justin and Lindsey Holcomb. The opening paragraph of the first chapter was so helpful to me that I decided to break it down, sentence by sentence, and devote a post to each part.
The previous posts in this series can be found here, here, here.
Words I really need to hear, daily.
Words I need to reflect on and believe.
I've lost count of the times that I've thought I somehow asked for the abuse. I was abused as a child. Was it something about my character that made him do it? Did I say something, do something, be something to ask for this. So that the blame rides on me and not on him?
Then it happened again. As a 20 year old, I was assaulted.
No - please not again. This must confirm that it's something about me that has caused this. But NO. It is not something I asked for. This is NOT something anyone asks for. Not if you wore certain clothes. Not if you said a certain thing. Not if you thought that thought. Never. Never. Never.
This is never your weight. And a result of this is 'you should not be silenced.'
I've struggled so much with silence and still do. The feelings of self-blame and responsibility lead to feeling ashamed. The feelings that I am worth nothing more than abuse means that the silence is a friend: I'm too scared to hear that people might confirm my deepest fears and blame me.
This is why there's been a delay in writing this post. I disclosed the adult assault to someone and they said "I'm sorry it's still an issue for you." An issue for me! Should I have 'got over it by now?' It is a default character that says 'I'm still in pain?' Well, I am STILL in pain. It IS an issue.
But this isn't because I'm weak. It isn't because I'm defunct. It isn't because I can't cope. It's because it's not supposed to be something 'I got over.' It was wrong. It was HUGE. And it matters.
That response was wrong. I should not be silenced. And neither should you. Whatever people say to you, you did not ask for this. You should not be silenced!
Tell your story, just as I am taking the first steps in telling mine. You deserve to be heard, because you matter and your story matters. You did not ask for this. You should not be silenced!
This is the third post in a series relating to Justin Holcomb's book Rid of my disgrace. You can read the first post here and the other posts here and here.
Julia x
The previous posts in this series can be found here, here, here.
You did not ask for this. You should not be silenced!
Words I really need to hear, daily.
Words I need to reflect on and believe.
I've lost count of the times that I've thought I somehow asked for the abuse. I was abused as a child. Was it something about my character that made him do it? Did I say something, do something, be something to ask for this. So that the blame rides on me and not on him?
Then it happened again. As a 20 year old, I was assaulted.
No - please not again. This must confirm that it's something about me that has caused this. But NO. It is not something I asked for. This is NOT something anyone asks for. Not if you wore certain clothes. Not if you said a certain thing. Not if you thought that thought. Never. Never. Never.
This is never your weight. And a result of this is 'you should not be silenced.'
I've struggled so much with silence and still do. The feelings of self-blame and responsibility lead to feeling ashamed. The feelings that I am worth nothing more than abuse means that the silence is a friend: I'm too scared to hear that people might confirm my deepest fears and blame me.
This is why there's been a delay in writing this post. I disclosed the adult assault to someone and they said "I'm sorry it's still an issue for you." An issue for me! Should I have 'got over it by now?' It is a default character that says 'I'm still in pain?' Well, I am STILL in pain. It IS an issue.
But this isn't because I'm weak. It isn't because I'm defunct. It isn't because I can't cope. It's because it's not supposed to be something 'I got over.' It was wrong. It was HUGE. And it matters.
That response was wrong. I should not be silenced. And neither should you. Whatever people say to you, you did not ask for this. You should not be silenced!
Tell your story, just as I am taking the first steps in telling mine. You deserve to be heard, because you matter and your story matters. You did not ask for this. You should not be silenced!
This is the third post in a series relating to Justin Holcomb's book Rid of my disgrace. You can read the first post here and the other posts here and here.
Julia x
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