You did not deserve it

-
This post is the continuation of a series of posts following on from a paragraph that I read in 'Rid of my Disgrace' by Justin and Lindsey Holcomb.  The opening paragraph of the first chapter was so helpful to me that I decided to break it down, sentence by sentence, and devote a post to each part.

The previous posts in this series can be found here and here.

The next sentence: you did not deserve it.


I've found that trying to make sense of what happened has led to a myriad of lies permeating my heart and mind. Trying to understand why it happened has led to me often placing the blame in the wrong place: on myself rather than on the perpetrator. You know how it goes: I can't understand this. I need to understand why this is happening to me. Why I am singled out? Why did he choose me? I must have deserved it.. I must have done something to make it happen or be someone who deserves this kind of treatment.

But, NO! I didn't deserve it.

You didn't deserve it. This has been such an important truth for me to hold onto in times of pain and doubt. It has helped me to begin the healing journey. It has helped me to break the silence because: 

1. I'm not the one in the wrong 


I've come to realise that any form of abuse, assault, violation against another is always wrong. This is objectively true. Hurting another is never right. It is never good. Therefore, however I feel about what happened, I am not the one in the wrong. I did not break the law. I did not hurt someone...

2. I am a victim


Rather than taking the blame for my assault, I have started to realise that I was a victim of a crime. I am not the one who should be shouldering the blame and weight of this. There is never anything that I could have said or done to make it okay. The reality is that I was a victim. I am now a survivor. He hurt me and he did the wrong. Not me.

3. I could never deserve assault


Therefore, I didn't deserve what happened to me. Even though I believed this for many years, it's not true. I could never have done anything or said anything that would have made this my fault. It is never the fault of the victim. It is ALWAYS the fault of the perpetrator. Assault is always wrong. It is always a violation and always a crime. The fault is never with the victim and so they can never deserve it. 

Humans are made with value and dignity. You are valuable. Therefore, what happened to you is NOT OKAY and it is NEVER deserved. Self blame is never right. They did this. This is their crime. This is their wrong.

Thank you Holcomb's for this reminder.

Julia x


Comments

Post a Comment

I’d love to hear your thought and comments!

Popular posts from this blog

Consent and why it matters

-
Consent for me was a turning point. Or should I say, understanding consent was a turning point. Before this point I was struggling to accept that I was actually sexually assaulted. I thought that I'd had an experience that I defined as bad, but objectively... well, it wasn't that bad. Things like this happen all the time, don't they? Guys and girls kiss. They go a bit further and a bit further, and... Well, then it was okay wasn't it. Well, no it wasn't. It wasn't okay because there was no consent. You see, I'd just started dating a guy. He'd been a good friend for about a year. There had never been any physical touch. We were clearly friends. But, someone said to us that they'd never seen a girl and a guy be such good friends and not be in a relationship. So we thought about it. Neither of us was convinced. I wasn't ready for a relationship really. But, I could see my friend's logic. So we decided to give it a go. He invited me t
Read more

Two Tips To Help You Not Give Up

-
Something I've come to realise about myself as a survivor of sexual assault is that I give up easily. I didn't realise that this was a result of my assault, a response to feeling worthless and unworthy. For many years I thought I was being logical. I thought I was rightly responding to situations, so I kept going in the same vain. I have continued to look at my circumstances and, if they are negative, read them as personal judgements on my character and then.. give up. Let me share an example... writing this blog! I started this blog as a way to chart my healing journey, but I also thought that I'd love to help others if I could. I had a passion to encourage other sexual assault survivors and help them to see how brave, strong and valuable they were. But, I thought, no-one will ever read it! Surely no-one would ever want to read anything I wrote! And then if I didn't see anyone reading it, I'd conclude: I'm rubbish. I should give up. I have nothing to contr
Read more

The most helpful paragraph I've read in a long time...

-
Rid of my disgrace is a book by Justin and Lindsey Holcomb about sexual assault. It is a hugely helpful, compassionate and informative book that I would encourage survivors of sexual assault to read. I'll post a review on this book in a later post, but for now, I just want to focus on one paragraph. I wanted to share it here in full and then take some time to consider it sentence by sentence in the next few posts. I think that Justin and Lindsey have managed to get to the heart of the lies that sexual assault survivors believe and expose their lies with true, moving, important words.   These words are things that I struggle to believe. I struggle to accept them. I sometimes say them, but struggle to really internalise them. I find myself grappling with feelings of worthlessness and confusion over what happened to me. This paragraph helps me to silence the lies. It helps me to set my eyes on the truth. I hope you find it as helpful as I have: What happened to you was not you
Read more