Beyond sexual assault

I've recently written a lot about my journey towards healing. I've been massively helped by Justin and Lindsay Holcomb's book, 'Rid of my Disgrace' in this. Realising and accepting what had happened to me was a huge step forward. Understanding why it was wrong and the subject of consent was so crucial - thank you RAINN for this! And, flowing from these things, believing that I am not to blame and am valuable have been so crucial for me in my recovery. I can confidently say that I am in a very different place to where I was: I do believe that I am valuable, that I was wronged, that sin was committed against me and that I wasn't to blame for the abuse and assault I suffered. But, there are times when I struggle to fully hold onto these truths and part of the reason why is this: the mixed emotions I feel towards my perpetrator(s) make it difficult. Acknowledging this has been helpful because it helps be to avoid a cycle of lies that propels me back into a da

Here's another self care post for the weekend. The first one is here . Stay safe everyone. Look after yourself! Self care has become an important topic for me in the midst of COVID-19 isolation. The lockdown has caused me to struggle in ways I didn't anticipate. I've been feeling trapped and this has triggered memories of the past. It's particularly triggered memories of feeling helpless when being forced down. Feeling out of control when my perpetrators assaulted and abused me. I've been remembering those feelings and it's been horrible. I've been waking up feeling those feelings that I felt when I was assaulted at aged 20. The horror. The shock. The hopelessness. The betrayal. This has made self care all the more important. I've had to recognise that this period of isolation is going to cause these feelings and so consider how I can best survive through them. Here are my tips: 1. Remember the truth Remembering the truth that I'm valuable

I've been surprised at how the Coronavirus lockdown has affected me as a sexual assault survivor. I'm used to spending time on my own. I actually quite like it. I'm an introvert who loves studying and spending time devouring books. Surely the lockdown wouldn't be such a change then, would it? But, in reality, I've found it hard. I've come to realise that the feeling of being trapped and alone reminds me of the assaults that I suffered. Feeling out of control and forced to do something against my will has brought back all sorts of memories that have haunted me for years. So, in the midst of all this, self care has been huge. These are the things that have helped me so far: 1. Routine As my normal routines have disappeared, I have found the setting up of new routines to be essential for my well being at this time of social isolation. I have set up regular 'school time' with my daughter that starts between 9am and 10am each day. We follow a regular

I have found telling people about my abuse one of the hardest things in life. Every time I decide to tell someone I feel scared of how they will treat me. If I email them, the waiting for a response is torture. If I tell them in person, waiting for the time to talk is awful. Just getting the words out has been so hard, I can't even tell you in words. However, I have managed to tell several people, and for this I'm thankful. Just a caveat here: if you are not in a place to tell anyone about your abuse, that is okay. You are in control. What I say from here is my experience in telling people. These are my reasons why I think it's worth it. But I completely respect anyone who is not in a place to do that and may never be. You are loved and valued. That is your choice. You are in control.  The first thing to say on this topic is, even though it is really hard to tell people, I believe wholeheartedly that it is worth it. It is SO worth it. Telling others has helped m

This post is the continuation of a series of posts following on from a paragraph that I read in  'Rid of my Disgrace'   by Justin and Lindsey Holcomb.  The opening paragraph of the first chapter was so helpful to me that I decided to break it down, sentence by sentence, and devote a post to each part. The previous posts in this series can be found  here ,  here ,  here ,  here ,  here ,  here  and here . This penultimate post in the series concludes where all the other statements lead. Here is the helpful paragraph that opens the first chapter in 'Rid of my Disgrace' with my edits ... When you understand that what happened to you was  not your fault you are able to come to the realisation that you are not to blame. You could not have deserved it or asked for it. As a result, you should not be silenced. You are not worthless. You do not have to pretend like nothing happened. Nobody had the right to violate you and so you can not be responsible for what happened to

This post is the continuation of a series of posts following on from a paragraph that I read in  'Rid of my Disgrace'   by Justin and Lindsey Holcomb.  The opening paragraph of the first chapter was so helpful to me that I decided to break it down, sentence by sentence, and devote a post to each part. The previous posts in this series can be found  here ,  here ,  here ,  here ,  here  and here . The next part in the paragraph:  You are not damaged goods. You were supposed to be treated with dignity and respect. I'm so grateful to the Holcomb's as they so helpfully get to the heart of the lies that sexual assault survivors believe and speak the truth into these lies. These two sentences in their opening paragraph in 'Rid of my Disgrace' illustrate common lies and those that I believed for a long time. But, they also combat the lies with key truths that marked the beginning of the process of healing for me: it started when I began to realise that I'd bee

This post is the continuation of a series of posts following on from a paragraph that I read in  'Rid of my Disgrace'   by Justin and Lindsey Holcomb.  The opening paragraph of the first chapter was so helpful to me that I decided to break it down, sentence by sentence, and devote a post to each part. The previous posts in this series can be found  here ,  here ,  here ,  here  and  here . The next sentence in the paragraph: You are not responsible for what happened to you. This was such an important concept for me to understand. And, looking back, I am beginning to realise that not understanding that I was not responsible led to me fearing telling anyone what had happened and also left me taking the blame and feeling guilt and shame. Let me explain... When I was first abused, I was in shock. I couldn't understand what had happened. It actually took me years to understand what had actually happened. I was 8 years old when I was first abused by a family member a