Self care during lockdown

As lockdown has continued, I have been surprised at how it has affected me. This has meant that I've needed to practice self care more than ever, (see past blog posts on self care here and here).

As time is passing, I've spent time thinking about what is really bothering me about the lockdown and why I'm struggling.  This has helped me to consider how I can best practice self care and consider the best coping mechanisms at this time. I hope that these thoughts may help others and some of the suggestions may help start a conversation about how we can all be caring for ourselves and one another in this strange time.

Feeling out of control

I am someone who is used to being indoors. I've studied a lot and my work has been based at home for most of my career. Now I have a little girl, I'm at home with her. So when lockdown was announced, I didn't think that it would affect me too much. I was surprised that one of the first things that hit me was that I felt out of control.

When we were told that we couldn't go out apart from necessary trips to the shops and once a day for exercise, I felt trapped. One of the first nights of the lockdown found me dreaming about the sexual assault I'd suffered. I woke up feeling like it had just happened again. For the next day my body was crying out in pain and anguish: all the feelings I'd felt came flooding back. I felt trapped, out of control. I felt that I was being forced to do something that I didn't want to do.

I needed to gain some control back. So, a major step in self care has been to create my own structure. I've got a routine that I have created so that I don't feel that I am being forced to do something against my will.

Now knowing what will happen

Another aspect of the lockdown period, was that I didn't know what was going to happen. We were told that the lockdown would be reviewed in 3 weeks, but beyond that, we had no idea of the future. We still don't. Again, I didn't think that I was someone who struggled with needing to know what was coming. But, living day by day, with no sense of how things would pan out was making me feel anxious. I started to remember and re-feel the anxiety and fear that I'd felt as a child when I'd been abused several times and waited for the next time. I lived in fear not knowing what he would do to me. 

I realised that this situation was bringing back those fears and so needed to live day by day. I needed to remember what I did know and what I could control. I could plan week by week and structure my time. I could know what would happen, even only for a day or a week. This helped enormously and is giving me the structure and enabling me to deal with these feelings that rise up. 

More time to think

Finally, the lockdown period has changed the shape of my day to day life. I hasn't meant that I'm not busy, as having a small child means that we have continued to do many of the things we did before. But, being at home a lot means that I have more time to think. Being in the house a lot more without the daily trips to playgroups and shops has giving me more time to contemplate. This, for me, is always hard. I lived a life of denial for a long time and didn't like to face the growing pain that was bubbling away under the surface. But, this has been such an important step in healing, (see this blog post). 

So, I've needed to let myself think. I've needed to allow myself to deal with the pain as I've continued on the healing journey when it's come up rather than pushing it away.

As I'm navigating my life in lockdown, gaining a sense of control through routines, setting clear points of familiarity and letting myself think have been important in self care. 

I hope that these may help you - or that you find ways to care for yourselves in this strange time.

Until next time,

Julia xxx