You do not have to pretend like nothing happened
This post is the continuation of a series of posts following on from a paragraph that I read in 'Rid of my Disgrace' by Justin and Lindsey Holcomb. The opening paragraph of the first chapter was so helpful to me that I decided to break it down, sentence by sentence, and devote a post to each part.
The previous posts in this series can be found here, here, here and here.
Pretence. Denial. Living in fantasy. These are all ways that survivors can cope with sexual violence. I did. When I was first abused, at about the age of 8, I remember lying in bed considering my options: Do I tell someone? If so, who? How can I describe what happened to me when I don't understand it? As the minutes turned into hours, I came to a clear decision. I had only one choice, to pretend that nothing happened. To wake up and act as though everything was normal. That everything was fine. But it wasn't fine. This pretence wasn't reality. It was a way to try and normalise what had happened, to diminish it. It was an attempt to numb the pain and enable an attempt at existence after my life had changed forever. But what was going on inside was like a storm ranging and brewing ever stronger as the months and years passed.
But, I did eventually break the silence and tell. I did begin the journey of acceptance, of living as though something did happen. Because it did. And, reader, that is okay. It is good and right to accept that something DID happen. You do not have to pretend like nothing happened. This is not your burden to carry. This is not you fault and so you do not have to pretend that it didn't happen in fear of what people will think of you. There is nothing more to say to you than this: you are a human with value and dignity and nobody had the right to violate you. They are responsible. Not you. This is their crime. It is their wrong and not yours.
You do not have to pretend like nothing happened. There are people out there who will listen and who are there to help.
My first steps in breaking the silence and pretence were RAINN and Rape Crisis. They both have brilliant support helplines, including both phone and online support. You can be heard. You will be believed. You do not have to pretend any more.
Julia x
The previous posts in this series can be found here, here, here and here.
The next sentence: You do not have to pretend like nothing happened.
Pretence. Denial. Living in fantasy. These are all ways that survivors can cope with sexual violence. I did. When I was first abused, at about the age of 8, I remember lying in bed considering my options: Do I tell someone? If so, who? How can I describe what happened to me when I don't understand it? As the minutes turned into hours, I came to a clear decision. I had only one choice, to pretend that nothing happened. To wake up and act as though everything was normal. That everything was fine. But it wasn't fine. This pretence wasn't reality. It was a way to try and normalise what had happened, to diminish it. It was an attempt to numb the pain and enable an attempt at existence after my life had changed forever. But what was going on inside was like a storm ranging and brewing ever stronger as the months and years passed.
But, I did eventually break the silence and tell. I did begin the journey of acceptance, of living as though something did happen. Because it did. And, reader, that is okay. It is good and right to accept that something DID happen. You do not have to pretend like nothing happened. This is not your burden to carry. This is not you fault and so you do not have to pretend that it didn't happen in fear of what people will think of you. There is nothing more to say to you than this: you are a human with value and dignity and nobody had the right to violate you. They are responsible. Not you. This is their crime. It is their wrong and not yours.
You do not have to pretend like nothing happened. There are people out there who will listen and who are there to help.
My first steps in breaking the silence and pretence were RAINN and Rape Crisis. They both have brilliant support helplines, including both phone and online support. You can be heard. You will be believed. You do not have to pretend any more.
Julia x
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