Responding to the heroes
This is a subject that's very close to my heart: how to helpfully respond to a survivor of sexual assault. RAINN currently have a great acronym to help support survivors - TALK. I wanted to add my own thoughts to this and share my experience in telling others...
This may be a post that you could share with friends or those in your church. It's something you may want to add your own thoughts to... I'd love to hear what you think.
My experience of telling people has been hard. After I was abused as a child, I made a promise with myself that I would never tell anyone about the abuse. I kept that promise for over 10 years and in that time I was still being abused regularly.
As an adult, I began to realise that what had happened to me was wrong and so I wanted to tell people. I didn't want to carry the pain alone. I hated the feeling that I had a dark cloud hanging over me with no relief. I believed that telling people would help.
But I was also petrified. I was a very guarded person. I was shy. I'd come from a family where certain subjects were never spoken of. So, in this context, the thought of telling people was incredibly difficult. It was also difficult because I'd believed so many lies: I felt dirty, worthless and unloved. I felt that everyone would think this of me and so I was petrified of being hurt and let down by those that I would hold out my hand to for help.
15 years on from first telling people, I can say that it was worth it. I sit here today having told a significant number of people in my life. I've told friends and my husband, pastors and now many more as I've accepted what has happened, evidenced in this blog.
But, even though I'm grateful that I told people, I can't say it was always easy. It isn't. Even now, I find the time around telling people so scary. I wait for a response hoping for love and trust, yet expecting distance and to be rejected. I expect the worst, hoping that the reality won't be as bad. Hoping that the truth will give me some comfort, rather than being a response that ends up crushing me. Sometimes, though, I have been crushed. But, looking back, I'm glad that I've broken the silence. Looking back, I'm relieved that people know. But, I'd love to help people to respond better. I'd love to give some advice so that others don't have to deal with the sadness and pain that I have. It's hard enough dealing with the abuse without having others make the situation so much worse by their response.
Generally, when responding to a survivor, avoid fix-it-mode. Some people love to fix things. They love to do something to make it all better. This sometimes leads people to jump ahead, to ask lots of questions to tell people what to think because they want to make sure they are okay. But, it's important to be there. It's important to let them lead their recovery and be a supportive ear when they need you. Remember, that you can't fix them.
If someone tells you about past abuse, these are some ways to respond initially:
When someone shares their past, it is HUGE. It's such a brave step to put into words what has happened. Even just accepting and owning the fact that you've been sexually assaulted is massive. It takes such strength, courage and bravery. So, PLEASE, acknowledge this when someone shares their past with you. "Thank you so much for telling me." "You're so brave for doing this, thank you." These sentiments help to put the person at ease and help to communicate that they are loved and they matter, things that survivors of assault often struggle to believe.
This is a huge lie that survivors believe. It's often woven into their very being from the moment of being hurt. It may have been something that the perpetrator told them or something that they believe themselves when trying to understand why it happened to them. I believed that I was to blame for many, many years. When trying to understand why I was being repeatedly abused, I thought that I must be 'different.' That somehow I must deserve this treatment: that I was worth nothing more. Then when I was assaulted as a 20-year old, I couldn't even bring myself to accept what had happened. I was sure that I must have been to blame, that all my fears of being unlovable were true. They must have been as it happened again! It took me a long time to be able to say that I'd been assaulted and understand that it wasn't my fault.
Being reminded that it wasn't my fault was a huge step in my recovery and healing. It enabled me to put the blame where it should be: on the abusers and take it away from me. This allowed me to begin to accept that I'd been a victim of assault. I wasn't the problem. I wasn't somehow unloveable, but I'd been a victim. Just saying this to someone is incredibly important. Tell them it wasn't their fault.
One of the major difficulties with any assault is the feeling that you are out of control. The feeling that you are being forced to do something that you don't want to do. This then extends into life. When people don't give you space to control how things happen, those feelings of being out of control come back and so the person trying to help a survivor can start to treat them in the same way as their abusers: not letting them have control over their life. It can be very damaging.
One of the major difficulties with safeguarding policies is that there are protocols to follow. This can be incredibly hard for a survivor of sexual assault. It can feel that everything is spiralling out of control as someone else is dictating their own recovery and what happens next.
Make sure that you tell the survivor what happens next and explain why this needs to happen. Tell them how many people will find out if you are telling someone in an organisation. Tell them if they will find out their name and that you'll keep them in the loop at every step.
Otherwise, if you're a friend and not part of an organisation, ask them: "what would you find helpful as a next step?" It might be helpful to ask, "Would you like to consider talking to someone or finding out some more information online? How can I help?" Tread carefully on the specifics though. Let them lead. If they are showing signs of wanting to report, for example, asking them if they'd like you to do some research with them may be great. But, make sure they feel that they are directing the process and not you.
You may be obligated to disclose, but you can take the survivor along with you. Let the survivor lead.
Treat them with the respect that they deserve as a survivor. I've already said that you should acknowledge their bravery, but make sure that you accept that their past will cause great wounds. This is normal: if someone has been physically injured, they have wounds. This is no different with unseen injuries. They need time and medicine to heal. The medicine is different for different people: actual medication may be required, talking therapy, formally or with friends, journalling and self care are just some of the medicines that people need to heal. Be mindful of this and don't expect them to 'be okay' in an instant. Be brave enough to ask how they are doing from time to time. It doesn't need to become the subject you always speak about. Let them lead. But, don't ignore it either. They've had a massive trauma and need time, space and support to heal. It isn't going to go away.
Remember, that they are the survivor and not the perpetrator. This may sound obvious. But I have heard responses where you'd think that the person thinks I'm in the wrong: "I'm sorry it's still an issue for you." This was one of the most devastating comments I've ever heard. It made me feel like I was the one in the wrong for hurting. That I was doing something wrong by not having dealt with it by now. It broke me. It took me time to lift up my head and remember the truth, that it wasn't my fault. I wasn't to blame. I shouldn't have gotten over it. It was a serious crime and I should feel the effects, just as I would if I'd suffered a serious physical injury. These wounds don't go away slowly. The effects can be life long. Please remember this is the same for survivors of sexual assault. Treat them with care. Remember they are the survivors and give them the support they need.
I hope this will help people to communicate with survivors of sexual assault. I hope that more people will understand how to communicate well to help these brave warriors overcome and thrive.
Until next time,
Julia xx
This may be a post that you could share with friends or those in your church. It's something you may want to add your own thoughts to... I'd love to hear what you think.
My experience of telling people has been hard. After I was abused as a child, I made a promise with myself that I would never tell anyone about the abuse. I kept that promise for over 10 years and in that time I was still being abused regularly.
As an adult, I began to realise that what had happened to me was wrong and so I wanted to tell people. I didn't want to carry the pain alone. I hated the feeling that I had a dark cloud hanging over me with no relief. I believed that telling people would help.
But I was also petrified. I was a very guarded person. I was shy. I'd come from a family where certain subjects were never spoken of. So, in this context, the thought of telling people was incredibly difficult. It was also difficult because I'd believed so many lies: I felt dirty, worthless and unloved. I felt that everyone would think this of me and so I was petrified of being hurt and let down by those that I would hold out my hand to for help.
15 years on from first telling people, I can say that it was worth it. I sit here today having told a significant number of people in my life. I've told friends and my husband, pastors and now many more as I've accepted what has happened, evidenced in this blog.
But, even though I'm grateful that I told people, I can't say it was always easy. It isn't. Even now, I find the time around telling people so scary. I wait for a response hoping for love and trust, yet expecting distance and to be rejected. I expect the worst, hoping that the reality won't be as bad. Hoping that the truth will give me some comfort, rather than being a response that ends up crushing me. Sometimes, though, I have been crushed. But, looking back, I'm glad that I've broken the silence. Looking back, I'm relieved that people know. But, I'd love to help people to respond better. I'd love to give some advice so that others don't have to deal with the sadness and pain that I have. It's hard enough dealing with the abuse without having others make the situation so much worse by their response.
Generally, when responding to a survivor, avoid fix-it-mode. Some people love to fix things. They love to do something to make it all better. This sometimes leads people to jump ahead, to ask lots of questions to tell people what to think because they want to make sure they are okay. But, it's important to be there. It's important to let them lead their recovery and be a supportive ear when they need you. Remember, that you can't fix them.
If someone tells you about past abuse, these are some ways to respond initially:
Acknowledge their bravery
When someone shares their past, it is HUGE. It's such a brave step to put into words what has happened. Even just accepting and owning the fact that you've been sexually assaulted is massive. It takes such strength, courage and bravery. So, PLEASE, acknowledge this when someone shares their past with you. "Thank you so much for telling me." "You're so brave for doing this, thank you." These sentiments help to put the person at ease and help to communicate that they are loved and they matter, things that survivors of assault often struggle to believe.
Tell them that it wasn't their fault
This is a huge lie that survivors believe. It's often woven into their very being from the moment of being hurt. It may have been something that the perpetrator told them or something that they believe themselves when trying to understand why it happened to them. I believed that I was to blame for many, many years. When trying to understand why I was being repeatedly abused, I thought that I must be 'different.' That somehow I must deserve this treatment: that I was worth nothing more. Then when I was assaulted as a 20-year old, I couldn't even bring myself to accept what had happened. I was sure that I must have been to blame, that all my fears of being unlovable were true. They must have been as it happened again! It took me a long time to be able to say that I'd been assaulted and understand that it wasn't my fault.
Being reminded that it wasn't my fault was a huge step in my recovery and healing. It enabled me to put the blame where it should be: on the abusers and take it away from me. This allowed me to begin to accept that I'd been a victim of assault. I wasn't the problem. I wasn't somehow unloveable, but I'd been a victim. Just saying this to someone is incredibly important. Tell them it wasn't their fault.
Let the survivor lead
One of the major difficulties with any assault is the feeling that you are out of control. The feeling that you are being forced to do something that you don't want to do. This then extends into life. When people don't give you space to control how things happen, those feelings of being out of control come back and so the person trying to help a survivor can start to treat them in the same way as their abusers: not letting them have control over their life. It can be very damaging.
One of the major difficulties with safeguarding policies is that there are protocols to follow. This can be incredibly hard for a survivor of sexual assault. It can feel that everything is spiralling out of control as someone else is dictating their own recovery and what happens next.
Make sure that you tell the survivor what happens next and explain why this needs to happen. Tell them how many people will find out if you are telling someone in an organisation. Tell them if they will find out their name and that you'll keep them in the loop at every step.
Otherwise, if you're a friend and not part of an organisation, ask them: "what would you find helpful as a next step?" It might be helpful to ask, "Would you like to consider talking to someone or finding out some more information online? How can I help?" Tread carefully on the specifics though. Let them lead. If they are showing signs of wanting to report, for example, asking them if they'd like you to do some research with them may be great. But, make sure they feel that they are directing the process and not you.
You may be obligated to disclose, but you can take the survivor along with you. Let the survivor lead.
Remember they are survivors
Treat them with the respect that they deserve as a survivor. I've already said that you should acknowledge their bravery, but make sure that you accept that their past will cause great wounds. This is normal: if someone has been physically injured, they have wounds. This is no different with unseen injuries. They need time and medicine to heal. The medicine is different for different people: actual medication may be required, talking therapy, formally or with friends, journalling and self care are just some of the medicines that people need to heal. Be mindful of this and don't expect them to 'be okay' in an instant. Be brave enough to ask how they are doing from time to time. It doesn't need to become the subject you always speak about. Let them lead. But, don't ignore it either. They've had a massive trauma and need time, space and support to heal. It isn't going to go away.
Remember, that they are the survivor and not the perpetrator. This may sound obvious. But I have heard responses where you'd think that the person thinks I'm in the wrong: "I'm sorry it's still an issue for you." This was one of the most devastating comments I've ever heard. It made me feel like I was the one in the wrong for hurting. That I was doing something wrong by not having dealt with it by now. It broke me. It took me time to lift up my head and remember the truth, that it wasn't my fault. I wasn't to blame. I shouldn't have gotten over it. It was a serious crime and I should feel the effects, just as I would if I'd suffered a serious physical injury. These wounds don't go away slowly. The effects can be life long. Please remember this is the same for survivors of sexual assault. Treat them with care. Remember they are the survivors and give them the support they need.
I hope this will help people to communicate with survivors of sexual assault. I hope that more people will understand how to communicate well to help these brave warriors overcome and thrive.
Until next time,
Julia xx
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