'Just one of those things?'
Consent, consent, consent...
This word is banded around a lot. I'd heard it and thought I'd understood it. But actually, I didn't and its lack of presence in my life meant that I was stuck in the silence, in the cocoon. Trapped in lies of self blame and hate.
I had created pathways in my mind that said what happened was my fault. I was gripped with the idea that I must have asked for it. I must have deserved it as I didn't stop it. Okay, well the childhood stuff was wrong, but he was my boyfriend. HE WAS MY FRIEND. This kind of thing just happens. Or does it?
This is my story: I was sexually assaulted as a child. It happened for years and started out as a game. I didn't understand the sordidness of this game for a long time. When I did, I realised that it wasn't a joke. It wasn't a game...
Realising that any sexual contact with a child was wrong was something that enabled me to accept what had happened. The voices in my head that said "it was your fault," "you are worthless," "you deserved it" started to diminish slightly when I realised that no sexual contact with a child is ever right. I'm not saying that these negative thoughts went overnight, but the realisation that this was a crime because of my age was a huge relief. It helped me to start breaking the silence. To at least give a name to what had happened.
However...
This didn't help when I was assaulted as a 20 year old. And by someone I'd come to trust and start a relationship with.
I wasn't a child. I was a grown woman. Surely, this couldn't happen now. He was my boyfriend. Surely this couldn't be wrong. I didn't scream. I didn't shout. Surely this was 'just one of those things.' 'One of those things' that you just have to forget. 'One of those things' that will diminish with time.
But it wasn't 'just one of those things.'
It was a thing that haunted me. A thing that flooded into my mind. I'd feel him on top of me as though it was happening again. I'd feel utterly dirty and used. Suffocated. Lost. Ashamed. And this was years after the event.
It wasn't 'just one of those things' because it was a HUGE thing.
My journey to realise this was by understanding consent.
In the next post I'll link to places that helped me realise that what happened was a crime. That helped me to begin to break the silence. Helped me to begin to break from the cocoon.
Thank you for reading.
Julia x
This word is banded around a lot. I'd heard it and thought I'd understood it. But actually, I didn't and its lack of presence in my life meant that I was stuck in the silence, in the cocoon. Trapped in lies of self blame and hate.
I had created pathways in my mind that said what happened was my fault. I was gripped with the idea that I must have asked for it. I must have deserved it as I didn't stop it. Okay, well the childhood stuff was wrong, but he was my boyfriend. HE WAS MY FRIEND. This kind of thing just happens. Or does it?
This is my story: I was sexually assaulted as a child. It happened for years and started out as a game. I didn't understand the sordidness of this game for a long time. When I did, I realised that it wasn't a joke. It wasn't a game...
Realising that any sexual contact with a child was wrong was something that enabled me to accept what had happened. The voices in my head that said "it was your fault," "you are worthless," "you deserved it" started to diminish slightly when I realised that no sexual contact with a child is ever right. I'm not saying that these negative thoughts went overnight, but the realisation that this was a crime because of my age was a huge relief. It helped me to start breaking the silence. To at least give a name to what had happened.
However...
This didn't help when I was assaulted as a 20 year old. And by someone I'd come to trust and start a relationship with.
I wasn't a child. I was a grown woman. Surely, this couldn't happen now. He was my boyfriend. Surely this couldn't be wrong. I didn't scream. I didn't shout. Surely this was 'just one of those things.' 'One of those things' that you just have to forget. 'One of those things' that will diminish with time.
But it wasn't 'just one of those things.'
It was a thing that haunted me. A thing that flooded into my mind. I'd feel him on top of me as though it was happening again. I'd feel utterly dirty and used. Suffocated. Lost. Ashamed. And this was years after the event.
It wasn't 'just one of those things' because it was a HUGE thing.
My journey to realise this was by understanding consent.
In the next post I'll link to places that helped me realise that what happened was a crime. That helped me to begin to break the silence. Helped me to begin to break from the cocoon.
Thank you for reading.
Julia x
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