Beyond sexual assault

This post is the continuation of a series of posts following on from a paragraph that I read in  'Rid of my Disgrace'   by Justin and Lindsey Holcomb.  The opening paragraph of the first chapter was so helpful to me that I decided to break it down, sentence by sentence, and devote a post to each part. The previous posts in this series can be found  here ,  here ,  here ,  here  and here . Nobody had the right to violate you.  You are a valuable person made in the image of God. You have dignity and you matter. What happened to you was a violation because the act done against you was against the very core of who you are: someone who has the right to be treated with respect and love because you were made with value and dignity. What happened to you was broke these rights and also broke the law. This was wrong. And NOBODY had the RIGHT to do this to you. This is an important message that I need to hear so often. In my confusion over wh...

This post is the continuation of a series of posts following on from a paragraph that I read in  'Rid of my Disgrace'  by Justin and Lindsey Holcomb.  The opening paragraph of the first chapter was so helpful to me that I decided to break it down, sentence by sentence, and devote a post to each part. The previous posts in this series can be found  here ,  here , here and here . The next sentence:  You do not have to pretend like nothing happened. Pretence. Denial. Living in fantasy. These are all ways that survivors can cope with sexual violence. I did. When I was first abused, at about the age of 8, I remember lying in bed considering my options: Do I tell someone? If so, who? How can I describe what happened to me when I don't understand it? As the minutes turned into hours, I came to a clear decision. I had only one choice, to pretend that nothing happened. To wake up and act as though everything was normal. That everything was fine. But it wasn'...

This post is the continuation of a series of posts following on from a paragraph that I read in  'Rid of my Disgrace'   by Justin and Lindsey Holcomb.  The opening paragraph of the first chapter was so helpful to me that I decided to break it down, sentence by sentence, and devote a post to each part. The previous posts in this series can be found  here ,  here ,  here . You did not ask for this. You should not be silenced! Words I really need to hear, daily. Words I need to reflect on and believe. I've lost count of the times that I've thought I somehow asked for the abuse. I was abused as a child. Was it something about my character that made him do it? Did I say something, do something, be something to ask for this. So that the blame rides on me and not on him? Then it happened again. As a 20 year old, I was assaulted. No - please not again. This must confirm that it's something about me that has caused this. But NO. It is not something I ...

This post is the continuation of a series of posts following on from a paragraph that I read in 'Rid of my Disgrace' by Justin and Lindsey Holcomb .  The opening paragraph of the first chapter was so helpful to me that I decided to break it down, sentence by sentence, and devote a post to each part. The previous posts in this series can be found here and here . The next sentence: you did not deserve it. I've found that trying to make sense of what happened has led to a myriad of lies permeating my heart and mind. Trying to understand why it happened has led to me often placing the blame in the wrong place: on myself rather than on the perpetrator. You know how it goes: I can't understand this. I need to understand why this is happening to me. Why I am singled out? Why did he choose me? I must have deserved it.. I must have done something to make it happen or be someone  who deserves this kind of treatment. But, NO! I didn't deserve it. You didn't d...

As mentioned in my last post, I've recently been reading a book by Justin and Lindsey Holcomb called Rid of my Disgrace. I posted the opening paragraph of the first chapter (see previous post The most helpful paragraph I've read in a long time ...). I said I'd take each sentence of the paragraph in turn to give space for consideration, discussion and to give it time to sink in. So here goes... It was not your fault.  IT was not your fault. It was NOT your fault. It was not YOUR fault. It was not your FAULT. Do I hear this? IT WAS NOT YOUR FAULT. Do you hear this? It. was. not. your. fault. You are not to blame. You didn't deserve this. I didn't deserve this. It was not our fault. I don't know about you, but this is something that I find hard to believe. Self-blame has been a close friend. I tried to understand what happened to me. I tried to understand why someone would touch me in such an intimate way. Why someone would play a game that felt so scary. W...

Rid of my disgrace is a book by Justin and Lindsey Holcomb about sexual assault. It is a hugely helpful, compassionate and informative book that I would encourage survivors of sexual assault to read. I'll post a review on this book in a later post, but for now, I just want to focus on one paragraph. I wanted to share it here in full and then take some time to consider it sentence by sentence in the next few posts. I think that Justin and Lindsey have managed to get to the heart of the lies that sexual assault survivors believe and expose their lies with true, moving, important words.   These words are things that I struggle to believe. I struggle to accept them. I sometimes say them, but struggle to really internalise them. I find myself grappling with feelings of worthlessness and confusion over what happened to me. This paragraph helps me to silence the lies. It helps me to set my eyes on the truth. I hope you find it as helpful as I have: What happened to you w...

Consent for me was a turning point. Or should I say, understanding consent was a turning point. Before this point I was struggling to accept that I was actually sexually assaulted. I thought that I'd had an experience that I defined as bad, but objectively... well, it wasn't that bad. Things like this happen all the time, don't they? Guys and girls kiss. They go a bit further and a bit further, and... Well, then it was okay wasn't it. Well, no it wasn't. It wasn't okay because there was no consent. You see, I'd just started dating a guy. He'd been a good friend for about a year. There had never been any physical touch. We were clearly friends. But, someone said to us that they'd never seen a girl and a guy be such good friends and not be in a relationship. So we thought about it. Neither of us was convinced. I wasn't ready for a relationship really. But, I could see my friend's logic. So we decided to give it a go. He invited me t...