Beyond sexual assault

This post is the continuation of a series of posts following on from a paragraph that I read in  'Rid of my Disgrace'   by Justin and Lindsey Holcomb.  The opening paragraph of the first chapter was so helpful to me that I decided to break it down, sentence by sentence, and devote a post to each part. The previous posts in this series can be found  here ,  here ,  here . You did not ask for this. You should not be silenced! Words I really need to hear, daily. Words I need to reflect on and believe. I've lost count of the times that I've thought I somehow asked for the abuse. I was abused as a child. Was it something about my character that made him do it? Did I say something, do something, be something to ask for this. So that the blame rides on me and not on him? Then it happened again. As a 20 year old, I was assaulted. No - please not again. This must confirm that it's something about me that has caused this. But NO. It is not something I ...

This post is the continuation of a series of posts following on from a paragraph that I read in 'Rid of my Disgrace' by Justin and Lindsey Holcomb .  The opening paragraph of the first chapter was so helpful to me that I decided to break it down, sentence by sentence, and devote a post to each part. The previous posts in this series can be found here and here . The next sentence: you did not deserve it. I've found that trying to make sense of what happened has led to a myriad of lies permeating my heart and mind. Trying to understand why it happened has led to me often placing the blame in the wrong place: on myself rather than on the perpetrator. You know how it goes: I can't understand this. I need to understand why this is happening to me. Why I am singled out? Why did he choose me? I must have deserved it.. I must have done something to make it happen or be someone  who deserves this kind of treatment. But, NO! I didn't deserve it. You didn't d...

As mentioned in my last post, I've recently been reading a book by Justin and Lindsey Holcomb called Rid of my Disgrace. I posted the opening paragraph of the first chapter (see previous post The most helpful paragraph I've read in a long time ...). I said I'd take each sentence of the paragraph in turn to give space for consideration, discussion and to give it time to sink in. So here goes... It was not your fault.  IT was not your fault. It was NOT your fault. It was not YOUR fault. It was not your FAULT. Do I hear this? IT WAS NOT YOUR FAULT. Do you hear this? It. was. not. your. fault. You are not to blame. You didn't deserve this. I didn't deserve this. It was not our fault. I don't know about you, but this is something that I find hard to believe. Self-blame has been a close friend. I tried to understand what happened to me. I tried to understand why someone would touch me in such an intimate way. Why someone would play a game that felt so scary. W...

Rid of my disgrace is a book by Justin and Lindsey Holcomb about sexual assault. It is a hugely helpful, compassionate and informative book that I would encourage survivors of sexual assault to read. I'll post a review on this book in a later post, but for now, I just want to focus on one paragraph. I wanted to share it here in full and then take some time to consider it sentence by sentence in the next few posts. I think that Justin and Lindsey have managed to get to the heart of the lies that sexual assault survivors believe and expose their lies with true, moving, important words.   These words are things that I struggle to believe. I struggle to accept them. I sometimes say them, but struggle to really internalise them. I find myself grappling with feelings of worthlessness and confusion over what happened to me. This paragraph helps me to silence the lies. It helps me to set my eyes on the truth. I hope you find it as helpful as I have: What happened to you w...

Consent for me was a turning point. Or should I say, understanding consent was a turning point. Before this point I was struggling to accept that I was actually sexually assaulted. I thought that I'd had an experience that I defined as bad, but objectively... well, it wasn't that bad. Things like this happen all the time, don't they? Guys and girls kiss. They go a bit further and a bit further, and... Well, then it was okay wasn't it. Well, no it wasn't. It wasn't okay because there was no consent. You see, I'd just started dating a guy. He'd been a good friend for about a year. There had never been any physical touch. We were clearly friends. But, someone said to us that they'd never seen a girl and a guy be such good friends and not be in a relationship. So we thought about it. Neither of us was convinced. I wasn't ready for a relationship really. But, I could see my friend's logic. So we decided to give it a go. He invited me t...

Consent, consent, consent... This word is banded around a lot. I'd heard it and thought I'd understood it. But actually, I didn't and its lack of presence in my life meant that I was stuck in the silence, in the cocoon. Trapped in lies of self blame and hate. I had created pathways in my mind that said what happened was my fault. I was gripped with the idea that I must have asked for it. I must have deserved it as I didn't stop it. Okay, well the childhood stuff was wrong, but he was my boyfriend. HE WAS MY FRIEND. This kind of thing just happens. Or does it? This is my story: I was sexually assaulted as a child. It happened for years and started out as a game. I didn't understand the sordidness of this game  for a long time. When I did, I realised that it wasn't a joke. It wasn't a game... Realising that any sexual contact with a child was wrong was something that enabled me to accept what had happened. The voices in my head that said "it was ...

Today I was reading 'The Very Hungry Caterpillar' with my daughter. The caterpillar ate and ate and then built a small house around himself. This image resonated with me on many levels as a sexual assault survivor: Trapped : for so long I've felt trapped and unable to break the silence. I have managed to share my story with a few, but still have found it so difficult to bring up the pain and recurring sadness associated with such a crime.  In darkness : for so long I've felt like the darkness is winning. Sexual assault has left me feeling alone, hurt and unable to know where to go for help, in utter darkness with no way out.  Protection : This has led to me doing everything I can to protect myself which has led to me hiding myself from my family and friends, afraid to show who I really am in fear of being hurt again.  The image of the caterpillar in the cocoon also has another image of waiting for new life to break through. This is why I have decided to write thi...